Stranger in My Own Skin

AlienMe

Alien Me

I’ve always felt myself to be a stranger to my generation and my surroundings. There is that constant sense of being apart, even when I am in a crowd of casual acquaintances that I may know quite well to joke with. I’ve often used self-deprecating and observational humour as an ice breaker, so that even with complete strangers, I can strike up a meaningful–or meaningless–conversation and connect on a genuinely empathetic level. I don’t crave the company of others, nor feel the need to adopt a certain set of technologies and/or embrace group behaviours to fit in, but I do need to have my moments of solitude, sometimes, overwhelmingly so.

Why this state of disjointedness? It is not by compulsion or a desire to be different, but by natural choice that I enjoy the not-so-mainstream and oddball.

  1. My musical tastes are eclectic and harken to decades (50s, 60s and 70s) and even centuries before my time, and I identify with sad love songs more than happy ones.
    2. I (used to) read horror novels obsessively (note: I can’t watch horror movies but I love watching transplant/reconstructive surgeries and childbirth).
    3. I devoured the dictionary and thesaurus in my youth to boost my vocabulary (but I always get my gerunds transposed during speed typing).
    4. To this day, I still abhor carbonated drinks and no degree of coaxing will change my mind about them (but I love flat Canada Dry Raspberry Ginger Ale).
  2. I feel a kinship with furried people (dogs, cats, etc.) more easily than with humans. Ok, maybe that’s not that unusual.
  3. (No bucket list per se, but) I’ve flown, taxied and landed a dual engine propeller plane and driven an ATV to 6500 ft above sea level. Oh and I have a slight fear of heights.

I have always been my strongest teacher and my harshest critic. And apparently an exercise in contradictions as well. Logic and absurdism have long vied for dominance in my head.

Perhaps for me, the greater question is not “What is my purpose in life?”, because I don’t think I will ever know the answer to that ephemeral query, but is instead “Do I belong? If so, when and where?”

Yes, I belong–to myself. That answer will have to suffice for now.

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